well here is to another post about me spilling my feelings.. for some reason, my mind is much clearer and the weight on my shoulders is lifted after i write or blog my thoughts. this may not make since, but this is all for MY benefit. today was a rough day for me and i know i should just be thankful for everything i have because i really am so lucky! maybe it was all my fault because i woke up dreading the day.. my alarm went off way to early and i was negative from the get go! i went to school and had a few good laughs thanks to my professor dr hutchins. he is freaking hilarious! in the middle of his lecture he took off his button up shirt to show us his chuck norris shirt he had on underneath! what a goof.. then i came home and immediately started my daily routine of cleaning and taking care of my beautiful girls. i started to feel quite shaky and sick to my stomach and soon realized i had not eaten anything yet and it was already noon! i am not in the best of mood when i am hungry lol! so off to cb madox to get the girls and i a yummy chicken sandwich and what seems like a lb of french fries. on my way home my grandma (dad's mom) called me. we were just talking about how much fun everyone had at our last get together.. we got family pictures done, my grandma also organized a big pot luck and a bunch of games with prizes for everyone. she even invited family that we hardly ever get to see! it was GREAT!!! then the topic of my dad came up.. he did not show to the family pic for some reason i do not know... i told her that mine and his relationship is not so good anymore because he seems to be too busy for my family and i. the last time i talked to my dad was on fathers day and a brief moment at my cousins wedding reception. she then began to tell me that he felt the exact same way. this makes me feel bad because i know lots of people that dont have both parents, and here i am being stubborn and waiting for HIM to call me. life it too short and unexpected, you never know what is going to happen.. so why hold grudges and be stubborn right?! well i finally set my stubborness aside and texted him. he drives trucks for a company and they are not allowed to talk on the phone, so i figured a text would be best, that way he could read and respond when he had a chance. it took awhile for him to text back, i expected that. but what he said was one of the most heart breaking things i have ever read. my text basically said i know he is busy, but i would like to steal him for a couple hours one night and take him to dinner, just let me know what day and time! his response was, that would be nice, dont know when i will have time... OUCH! i am his only biological daughter and Kinsey and Harper are his only grand-daughters and he is telling me he doesnt know if he will have time?! he is married and his wife has 3 kids from previous relationships, so i know he is a busy man taking care of his family.. but i am willing to miss school, gym, and my time with brandon (which is not very much time) just so i can have time to spend with my dad. is it too much that i want him to rearrange his schedule and make just a little bit of time for me? correct me if i am wrong.. you should always have time for your children.. no matter what! so i have been an emotional mess since.. went to the gym and totally over did it. increased my weights way too much and didnt listen to my body. so here i am bawling my eyes out because my heart hurts and i cant even walk because my legs are so sore already! i am a hot mess i guess you could say haha i love my dad very much and i know he means well.. and he prob doenst know that his simple response hurt me as bad as it did. so now i am stuck trying to figure out if i should pursue my attempts to get closer to my dad, or prevent more hurt and just accept the fact and wait for him to call and make the attempts. that would put me right back in square one.. right where i dont want to be!
on a more happy note, brandon and i finally got a new bed, and it came TODAY! we invested in a sleep number :) so i am going to give up for the evening, make me some yummy green tea, take some tylenol for my screaming muscles, and watch me a good movie in my new bed!!
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